My Weakness, My Strength
by Athena Leigh
Summary: QuiGon has a moment of selfdoubt. Not slash.


**My Weakness, My Strength**

Qui-Gon sat on the couch in the lavish suite they had been given. He should have been comfortable here; it was far more than he required, but today was one of those days when his memories were controlling him and meditation only made it worse, putting focus on the pain without letting it be released.  
  
Obi-Wan was out enjoying the beautiful pleasures of the planet. Obi-Wan, his Padawan, the boy who looked at him with those sparkling eyes so full of promise. Qui-Gon felt so unworthy to train him. Sometimes, like today, when he looked at Obi-Wan, all he could see was the memory of those bright eyes dimmed by utter rejection. He had done that to him, he Qui-Gon had told Obi-Wan he was not worthy of being a Jedi.  
  
How could he have done that? It was he Qui-Gon Jinn who in truth had no right to call himself a Jedi Knight. All he could see right now were his past failures, his past Padawans gone, and what of Obi-Wan Kenobi? He would fail the boy too, he just knew it. He had already. Melida/Daan was entirely his fault. If he had just shown Obi-Wan that he was there for his Padawan, that never would have happened, Obi-Wan never would have left him.  
  
He was glad Obi-Wan had gone out. Qui-Gon could not face him in this state. He did not want Obi-Wan to see his Master losing control of himself, breaking down as it were. He should have been able to let go, to move on, but he could not, he would never. Eventually, maybe he would learn to live with it, but his past would never cease to be a part of him, and he would have to fight to keep it from controlling him.  
  
_Maybe_... no, he would not burden Obi-Wan with his troubles. They were his, and he could take care of them. He would train Obi-Wan and that was all. The boy did not need to tend to his Master while he lost his mind. He did not need distractions from his training. Oh, but he was doing so well. There was no question Obi-Wan would be a great Knight. The question was if Qui-Gon could teach him, if he could keep his apprentice on the path and safe until then.  
  
Qui-Gon did not think so. He thought Obi-Wan was in danger with him, judging by his past record. He was no use to one so strong, so bright, so good.  
  
A tear escaped down beside his nose.  
  
They had been together for a year now. He cared for Obi-Wan, though he had not said so. Did Obi-Wan know? Perhaps, he was a smart child. He must have noticed the warm gestures: a hand on the shoulder, a smile, a praising word for a training session done well or a high mark on an exam. Or was it too little to really tell the boy he mattered to the old, worthless Master?  
  
Qui-Gon flopped over onto the soft couch, a silken throw pillow cushioning his head. He wanted to escape, but he could not leave. He would never leave Obi-Wan. But it was so hard sometimes, even for the Jedi Master of so many years. He felt alone, even though there was a definite training bond forming between his Padawan and him; he would not violate his apprentice by touching it unless it was necessary for a mission.  
  
He closed his eyes, tears he did not want biting to fall, but he did not want to show that weakness. He was weak, and that was the problem. Tears would not help, would not wash away the inferiority he felt, knew was inside him. Tears would not make him better, nor would they save Obi-Wan when his useless Master failed him.  
  
The large door to the chamber opened swiftly and silently, and Qui-Gon did not notice. Obi-Wan saw the Master lying against the sofa cushion, and though he was not too familiar with the man, knew that there was pain etched in the hard features of the handsome face.  
  
"Master?" He knelt beside him. He wanted to help, if he could, to maybe become closer to his Master. Obi-Wan knew there was a bond forming between them, and he wanted it to continue to flourish.  
  
The Master's eyes flew open. "Obi-Wan, what are you doing here? I didn't think you'd be back yet." He spoke quietly, and Obi-Wan could tell his voice was close to cracking.  
  
He shrugged. "I saw enough, so I decided to come back. Is something wrong, Master?"  
  
Qui-Gon hesitated. He automatically started to deny it, to keep the trouble to himself. _Maybe_...  
  
No. He shook his head. "Don't worry about it, Padawan."  
  
Obi-Wan pressed his lips together. He did not want to be rude or impolite, but he did not want to abandon his Master. Maybe Qui-Gon wanted to protect him, but Obi-Wan was a Jedi and he would protect a fellow Jedi, especially his own Master, even if they were not very close.  
  
He uncertainly reached out to the Master's face and touched him. He felt dampness under his fingers. Tears. Why was his Master crying? He always seemed so strong, as if nothing could bother him.  
  
"Please, Master, let me help."  
  
_Let me help... maybe..._ Obi-Wan wanted him to tell him, and Qui-Gon wanted to tell him.  
  
He sat up and motioned for Obi-Wan to sit beside him. He spoke very quietly. "Sometimes, Padawan, all I can see are my faults, there are so many of them. I know you don't think that. You see me only as a great Jedi Master. I wish that were always so. Sometimes, I feel like a young initiate, afraid of not being good enough to be chosen. I feel I will fail you, or you will leave me, and... I don't want that."  
  
Feeling encouraged by his Master's speech, Obi-Wan slipped his little hand into the one that had been clenching the Master's robe as he spoke.  
  
"Don't think that, Master. I won't leave you, not again. Never again. You are a terrific Master, and I want to know everything you can teach me. I know you are not perfect, Master, but I also know you will not fail me. But, Master, if you are ever unsure or afraid, you can tell me. I am here for you, as you are for me, and you are never alone."  
  
Obi-Wan looked down, unsure if his words had meant anything. Afraid they had not, he opened his end of their bond and reached for Qui-Gon, hoping the action might mean more, might help his Master.  
  
When Qui-Gon looked up and smiled at him, Obi-Wan knew it had.  
  
"Thank you, Obi-Wan."  
  
Obi-Wan wrapped his arms around the big Master. "No, thank you, Master. You mean so much to me. I don't want to see you hurt."  
  
Qui-Gon slowly returned the embrace. "Funny, that's exactly what I was thinking about you, my Padawan."  
  
Obi-Wan rested his head against the Master's accepting chest and laughed, glad they were together. He felt a soft kiss on his forehead. It was the most familiar gesture from his Master since they had been together, and he took it as a sure sign that they would only grow closer through their years together.


End file.
